


Just What I Needed / Not Just What I Needed

by WeBetterRun



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drug Abuse, Explicit Language, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pairings Will Be Updated, Panic Attacks, Slow Build, Slow Burn, WHAT IS ENGLISH, a lot of it, lapslock, slow build af, this is au af, what is punctuation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:52:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeBetterRun/pseuds/WeBetterRun
Summary: jinyoung is an aspiring writer who almost has everything, but there's more than meets the eye.





	1. stolen breaths

**Author's Note:**

> i've already posted this fic on here but deleted it in a whim but here it is in honour of jjp coming back <3
> 
> written at 3 am and unbeta'd, sorry it's so short

jaebum woke up with a start. hair matted to his forehead and cold sweat trickling down his neck. sitting up, he checked the bedside alarm clock, the numbers 03:42 am glared back at him. he groaned and massaged his temples, finally awake enough to recognize the tell-tale signs of an oncoming panic attack. no, not again. his chest felt tight and it was as if the air had been sucked out of his room leaving him heaving and gasping for air.

he stumbled clumsily out of bed and headed directly to the bathroom, where he shakenly splashed cold water all over his face and finally dropped to the ground, eyes closed and head resting against the cold wall of the bathroom. he thought of his friends, he thought of his cat nora and the great food his mom always made, chasing away all the dark thoughts with thoughts of the people he cared about and the little hope that he still had left.

he didn't know how long he stayed like that, but after a short eternity his heartbeat was finally returning to normal, slowly but steadily. his hands weren't shaking that much anymore and he finally felt like he could breathe again. his feet however felt heavy and numb and reaching down blindly to massage them he instead found pleasant soft fur tickling his fingertips and he chuckled because nora had somehow managed to sneak into the bathroom while he was in a daze and was now sleeping curled up atop his feet.

i made it, nora he thought as he carried the sleeping cat into the bedroom and gently lowered her into her bed before sliding the windows open and settling back in bed with a book in hand now that going back to sleep wasn't an option.

 

***************

something was ringing

someone was shouting

but honestly jinyoung couldn't care less. he yawned and checked his phone, 03:42 am. frowning he gingerly scratched his head with the pen clutched tightly in his hand. he decided he needed more coffee but he obviously needed to get rid of the person who sounded like he was about to break the door off its hinges first.

"jinyoung, open up!"

"open the fucking door"

"jin-"

jinyoung groaned loudly and made his way over to the door stumbling over the piles of books strewn all over his room.

"alright, alright just stop shouting" he huffed.

after struggling with the lock for a bit it finally gave out and the door squealed open only to reveal a red-faced mark who was now glaring daggers in jinyoung's direction.

"you" mark said accusingly, to which jinyoung didn't reply, caught off guard. he'd never seen mark this angry. no, scratch that. he'd never seen mark angry.

"you look like shit. jeez jinyoung what are you doing to yourself?! have you eaten anything the last three days? do you know how worried i was, and still am?" mark truly looked worried and jinyoung forgave him for interrupting him but he couldn't really understand, they just saw each other that morning, no need to overreact.

chuckling, he waved mark off and made his way to the kitchen, a cup of coffee would be nice, yes.

"but hyung, aren't you overreacting? i mean we just had breakfast this morning before you left to practice." he looked up at mark, eyebrows raised questioningly. "coffee?"

"jinyoung," the older man looked struck, his eyes as wide as saucers. "that was three days ago".

jinyoung looked as if he just saw a ghost. mark walked over to where jinyoung was standing and helped him sit down and then brought him a glass of water.

"but your competition…" the younger man shook his head disbelievingly, "i didn't miss it, did i..?" something akin to hopefulness colouring his voice. mark just smiled sadly and ruffled jinyoung's soft hair. "i got second place, 'nyoung".

 

***************


	2. start anew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd, again. Enjoy!

this wasn't the first time it happened to jinyoung. it used to happen to him a lot during university. he'd stay in a trance for days, completely neglecting his body's needs. he would stay holed up in his room, pen clutched tightly in his hand, writing manically. he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't shower until his friends finally decided it was time to intervene. sometimes going as far as to literally slap some sense into him.   
afterwards, he would scan all the material he'd written during his 'trances', some of it absolute genius but the rest was always gibberish. something a crystal meth addict would write while high.  
sometimes, like now, he would even find jaebum's name nestled in there between paragraphs and paragraphs of nonsense. he would then smile sadly and proceed to throw the papers away.  
jaebum is happier now. he has to be. he thought as he shrugged on his jacket and picked up the trash.  
a small note he'd left on the table let mark know that he would be going to the library and that he would pick up the grocery on the way back. jinyoung chuckled at the frown that would definitely make its way up mark's face when he found the note. mark didn't understand. and in all honesty he didn't expect him to and it didn't bother him much. it was nice having someone to fuss over you.  
it was cold, so cold his breath clouded his vision as he hurriedly walked down the street, jacket collar popped up. he checked his wristwatch, 01:21 pm. perfect, he thought. this time of the day, there wouldn't be many people in the library and especially on a sunday.  
jumping over a puddle of rainwater, he finally arrived at his destination. the huge gates of the library were closed shut to keep the cold december wind out. christmas decoration covering the trees lining up the entrances.  
the library used to be the house of a great historian who so generously asked for it to be turned into a library after his death, donating his own personal collection of books as well. the ancient building was huge and it clashed greatly with the modern architecture surrounding it. some thought it looked intimidating but to jinyoung it was anything but, so he took a deep breath and pushed one of the doors open.  
stepping in, the warmth engulfed him quickly and completely. he nervously made his way to his favourite table and sat down, eyes immediately scanning the huge spacious hall like radars until they came to rest on the familiar hunched form of jaebum, whose glasses were slipping off the bridge of his nose as he peered over some documents. fondness swelled inside jinyoung's chest. relief, too. because he was safe. jaebum was safe.  
he later on decided that he would finally talk to jaebum today, because he was honestly beginning to feel like a creep. it wouldn't hurt, he insisted.  
and so he stood up at around 06:40 pm. 20 minutes before jaebum's shift ended, and made his way towards jaebum's desk. his legs felt like jelly from nervousness and he tried to swallow down the lump that formed in his throat. it was the first time he ever spoke to the man in front of him ever since the accident. the accident that changed everything. he didn't know whether he was glad jaebum didn't remember him or not. it sure hurt, but maybe it was for the best. a fresh start for the both of them.  
he came to a halt in front of the desk. jaebum sensing the presence of someone else automatically looked up with a polite but sincere smile.  
"how can i help you?" he straightened up and laced his hands together in front of him.  
"uh, hi." jinyoung applauded himself mentally for his eloquence, "my name is park jinyoung, i come here often." he bowed slightly. "uh i'm.." jinyoung hesitated, his nervousness evident. i should have thought this through dammit. "what i'm trying to say is that i'm…"  
"trying to chat me up." the older man said matter-of-factly with a small smile, "im jaebum, nice to meet you."  
later that night, as they met for coffee, he thanked his lucky stars the rocky start wasn't an indication as to how the meeting would go. because here he is, sitting across from jaebum, who was now talking animatedly about his favourite authors, jinyoung smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. there and then he could really say he couldn't care less about anything else. jaebum is here. jaebum is safe.  
***************  
back in the safety of his home, with nora sitting on his lap, jaebum recalled the events of the day. he was late to work today and he hated being late. he'd rather be 1 hour early than 5 minutes late, really.  
picking up his phone he sent a quick text to jackson.  
to: jackson  
next time you borrow my car make sure to refill the gas. i was late to work today all thanks to you  
to which the person in question replied at record speed.  
from: jackson  
ur welcome  
snorting, jaebum locked his phone and proceeded to pet nora. "i met a guy today." he said to no one in particular."he's an aspiring writer" he said with another snort.  
if he were to be honest, he hated artists in general. whether they were painters, musicians, or writers. and if he were to be even more honest he'd admit it was more envy than hate. he envied them for having been blessed with a talent with which they could express themselves. jaebum wanted to be an artist, he wanted to create art. he believed he had so much to give and so much to express but he unfortunately didn't have the instrument using which he could do so. he loved books, but he was only a reader. he loved music, but he was just another listener. it was as if his role in life was to appreciate what other people created and it left him frustrated at how unfair it was. but later he would decide he was just being petty and immature. some things just were not meant to be. he shrugged mentally and hoped for a good night's sleep.


	3. fallin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't write smut to save my life. this is just a filler. again, unbeta'd but hope you like it. might be fluffy.

it was not difficult for jinyoung to pretend as if the accident never happened. jaebum's amnesia provided them with the perfect excuse for a fresh start. jinyoung knew it was twisted of him to think that way, but the need to be close to the other was much more overwhelming. in jinyoung's mind, logic ended where jaebum began. 

it didn't take long for them to become close. always finding the time to share a hot cup of coffee or a few beers together after jaebum's shift ended. the older would talk about his friend jackson, and how he'd always drive him to the end of his wits and jinyoung would talk about the latest book or article he read. both stealing glances at the other whenever they thought they weren't looking but somehow they always end up pressed up against the wall of some dark alley exchanging heated kisses.

some days jaebum would arrive visibly shaken, face deathly pale and hands tremoring. jinyoung wouldn't question him when he would excuse himself early on in the evening. he didn't bombard him with questions fully aware what the other's reaction would be, and no, he couldn't really afford to have the other man shrink away from him or become guarded around him. this jaebum was strong. he trusted him to be. 

tonight, however, jinyoung found himself pressed against his front door. jaebum's grip on his hips almost bruising, his own hands clutching at the older man's sweatshirt. nobody moving. jaebum leaned down and gently nudged his nose against the younger's flushed cheek. 

"are you sure you want to do this, jinyoungi? aren't we going too fast?" stepping back he looked him straight in the eyes. "i-i don't want to lose you"  
jinyoung just gulped at the familiar words, eyes glossing over.

a small 'you won't' could be heard before jaebum's lips were on jinyoung's.

***************  
after stumbling into jinyoung's apartment, they somehow made it to the bedroom, both of them laughing as they bumped into various things on the way to the bed. breathless laughs turned into throaty moans and wandering hands now moved with purpose. 

it wasn't until jaebum was pressing into him that he finally let his tears flow down his cheeks causing the older to stop and ask him whether it hurt and whether he wanted him to stop. he just shook his head and wrapped his legs around jaebum's waist pulling him closer and proceeding to kiss the confusion on jaebum's face away.

they moved slowly, languidly, but not unpassionately. soft moans and sweet nothings filled the hot air between them as they kissed lazily. jinyoung was breathless as he looked up to find jaebum smiling down softly as he fucked into him. jinyoung gulped. he was close. oh, he was so close.

"jinyoungie," jaebum whispered against his neck pressing open mouth kisses against his jaw and throat while his hand sneaked around his cock. unable to speak, jinyoung could only hum questioningly, a shiver running down his spine as the older man started to pump him in time with his thrusts. "jinyoungie," jaebum whispered again, jinyoung's name coming out more like a whine this time indicating that he was also close. 

"will you be my boyfriend?" 

at these words, jinyoung felt his heart swell in his chest. jinyoung moaned a breathless 'yes' that was lost in a gasp as jaebum nipped on his collarbone. countless variations of the word 'yes' followed shortly as jaebum thrust deeper into him, losing control as they tumbled over the edge, fingernails digging into tender skin, toes curling as they both came together their moans and groans drowning out each other's.

later as they lay in bed after cleaning themselves up, they would laugh at how jaebum had collapsed on top of jinyoung almost suffocating him afterwards, the older blaming it on all the midnight snacks he'd been having causing jinyoung to giggle and proceed to pinch jaebum's sides earning him a full-blown grin that made jinyoung's heart stutter.

i could get used to this, jinyoung thought to himself.


	4. crack baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from now on, the whole thing will be written in a mix of third person point of view and jinyoung's stream of consciousness. i hope it won't be confusing. again, this is unbeta'd. hope you enjoy! feedback keeps me going <3

_Crack baby you don't know what you want,_

_But you know that you had it once,_

_And you know that you want it back._

~~~~~~

 

jaebum with his sharp gaze, high cheekbones and a jaw-line that could chisel granite, and jinyoung with his soft features, eye crinkles and full lips made quite the couple, much to jaebum's dismay and jinyoung's amusement. attention always unnerved the older man and he always blamed his boyfriend for it. _"stop being a hot piece of ass nyoung, people are staring"_ he would hiss as they walked hand in hand down the street running whatever errands they had. jinyoung would just laugh and relish in the attention calling his boyfriend a grumpy grandpa as they continued on their way.

to say that the two were complete opposites would be an understatement, but they believed it was why they complemented each other so perfectly. of course, it was no walk in the park. jaebum still refused to stay the night and he still avoided jinyoung's questioning gaze as he abruptly got up and excused himself stumbling out of the front door before the other could utter a word. he would reappear two or three days later, nervously chewing his bottom lip, his eyes brimming with unsaid apologies. yet, jinyoung never really blamed him. if anything, he blamed himself. he was disappointed he couldn't _fix_ jaebum. it was selfish. it was twisted. he hated himself for it because his boyfriend didn't need fixing. jaebum wasn't broken. if anything, it was him who needed fixing.

they both had their fair share of insecurities and weaknesses and it was inevitable that they would clash violently at times. but they were happy _, right?_ real couples argued, and yes they were a couple. a _real_ couple and that was what mattered.

all their disputes and little fights seemed insignificant as jinyoung ran his hands through his boyfriend's hair. jaebum's head was on his lap as he read him passages from his favourite (and jinyoung's least favourite) book, the bell jar. jaebum was fascinated with sylvia plath, it was borderline obsessive but jinyoung was glad the older at least had something he was passionate about.

they were in jinyoung's living room, mark was away on a business trip. jinyoung sighed at the thought of mark. his friend strongly disapproved of his and jaebum's relationship. the quiet man never really voiced it out loud but the look of plain disappointment was always there whenever jinyoung had tried to bring up jaebum's name in conversations. it irked him to no end because he wanted them to get along. mark was, after all, his roommate and best friend. yet, his friend remained adamant about even recognizing jaebum's existence. jinyoung didn't dare ask him why he was being the way he was. jinyoung, despite his claims, sucked at confrontations. _in other words. a coward. jinyoung was a coward._

"jinyoung, babe, you're spacing out again" jaebum snapped him out of his thoughts, and he was looking up at him now, his reading glasses crooked and his hair a mess. he sighed and ran a hand through his own hair.

"was thinking about mark, he's pissing me off!" jinyoung exclaimed overdramatically.

putting his book away, jaebum sat up and just nodded at his boyfriend. "he'll come around, eventually. don't worry about it, babe." he patted jinyoung's head patronizingly, which earned him a pout and a glare from the younger one, at whom he laughed, eyes turning into small crescents. "anyway, have you been writing lately?" causing jinyoung’s face to light up, his previous worries forgotten. he had been writing, yes. words were pouring out of him like a flood. but he opted to stay silent, grinning devilishly at his boyfriend as he pushed him back into the couch.

"actually, you never told me what you're writing about"

silence.

"oi, jinyoung, are you evading questions by trying to distract me?"

jinyoung, however, was too busy alternating between planting butterfly kisses all over jaebum's jaw and giggling.

"yah, park jinyoung!" exclaimed the older while halfheartedly squirming away from the assault of the other's lips. "ah would you just drop it, jaebummie. it was supposed to be a surprise." the younger whined, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout. "you. I'm writing about you, you idiot. you're my muse."

jaebum just stared at him and let out a loud bark of laughter.

"nice one, babe" laughed the older of the two earning him a pillow to the head.

"I.AM.BEING.SERIOUS" screeched the other accentuating every word with a hit of the pillow until a pair of wide eyes looked up at him. the playful glimmer in them disappearing and it was replaced with something akin to incredulousness.

"but i'm just a boring guy. i have a boring job. i have a boring family and boring friends. what is there to write about?" jaebum snorted.

"that's more than enough, babe" jinyoung assured him as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the little frown lines that formed between his eyebrows. _more than enough._

_~four years ago~_

_"but you don't understand, jinyoung, and no matter how much you try to, you won't. so just stop for fucks sake"_

_they were sitting across from each other in a diner._

_jinyoung checked his watch, 1:31 am. he sighed._

_"jaebum.." honestly, he didn't know what to say. jaebum smelled of alcohol and leather, his hair was a mess, drying streaks of tears lined his face._

_"everything is just so fucking complicated, jinyoung. look at my family.." a humorless laugh escaping his trembling lips. "look at me.."_

_and jinyoung did. he looked at the beautiful disaster that was his friend and his chest ached. he'd never seen jaebum in such a state. the older guy was usually the reserved type. never the one to showcase his feelings like this so openly. they've been friends for years and he'd never seen him so broken. he wanted to comfort him but it was tricky when it came to jaebum. he would easily shut you out at the first hint of pity and his walls would return in seconds and that's counterproductive._

_"everything can be fixed, jaebum. i never took you for someone who gave up so quickly so please don't prove me wrong." he looked up from his cup of coffee, eyes studying the older man's reaction. jaebum however just nodded slightly and stared out of the window, it was raining._

_that night they both went back to jinyoung's small apartment. it was warm and cozy and jaebum had kissed him. neither were surprised. somehow, years and years of friendship prepared them for that moment and it seemed only logical for them to be taking the next step._

_~end of flashback~_


End file.
